Relationship With Money

What is your relationship with money?

As you notice, mine seems to be quite tumultuous. I've shared with you some of my financial "stuff". It hasn't been a pretty picture, but something I've been working aggressively on in the past year, making some HUGE, drastic changes.

I had committed to trading every day for the month of January with my real funds. There were 19 trading days for this month and I traded 7 days with real funds. :( Yes, a big disappointment and I renigged on my commitment.

Really, what does that mean? I have no integrity? Non-committal? Full of hot air?

Honestly, I'm not quite sure. I truly want to be a person of integrity. I could tell you all this "stuff", but the reality is, it's a challenge to sometimes believe in myself. I have, however, traded every day so far this month (minus MLK Day), just the other 11 days has been practice days.

Some of it was legitimate, as I was resolving connection issues and having to relearn another trading platform. I've retested my trading strategies over and over and when I follow them to the "T", I am ALWAYS net positive for the day and by a lot compared to my costing trades. It's that simple.

I really don't know what my fears are, or what is holding me back. I've received psycho therapy up the wazzu -- I don't even know how much I've spent since 2005 for a therapist or on mental/emotional healing to get me to have a healthy relationship with money. It's been in the many thousands of dollars.

What do I know? I know I want to be my kids' mommy and be able to be here to raise them myself - not go to a job working for someone so that I have to leave my kids in the care of someone else to raise. I want to be able to participate actively every day in their education, to interact with them, make them meals, play with them, teach them, travel with them.

I'm not knocking the parents that go to work for someone and gets to basically see their kids at night. I was one of those parents and frankly, I hated it. I missed so many things of my kids and it really devestated me. It also brought back memories of my own parents, particularly my dad, how he never showed up for anything of mine because he was always too busy working - making money . . . for us, the kids.

I saw how my parents, especially my dad, hung onto money so tightly, never wanting to spend any of it. My parents fought all the time about money. My dad is a huge hoarder of stuff, of money . . . always fearful of not having enough money.

Funny, I adopted a lot of my dad's views on money and didn't realize it. When I had loads of money a decade ago, I thought I was so poor and lived as a poor person. Now, my views on money are so much healthier, but I do not have the money as I had back then . . . at least not yet.

I was a huge hoarder of money and would even fight with my husband if he spent 25 cents on a gallon of water, berating him for wasting money. My gosh. How horrible. I lived in a tiny house, when I could've lived in a house triple or quadruple what I lived in because I was so afraid of not being able to afford my home. In fact, I could've paid that house off and bought 10 more other homes that size to rent out and paid cash for all those homes, AND, still had plenty money left over.

Nope, I lived a bit above the "bag lady" . . . okay, maybe not quite that bad, but not real great. I wouldn't buy new furniture or a new car, rather I would buy some crap piece of car that I would have to sink all this money to fix. Those were just so unhealthy forms of viewing money.

I began reading this evening a book by Maxine Hyndman called "The Naked Millionaire". She shares of her story of bankruptcy and coming out of that, sharing her relationship with money and what she learned. I'm about half way through and learning some stuff. There are no great epiphanies, but I'm beginning to see some cool things emerge.

To my readers, please be patient with me as I am in the process of creating the person I want to be, by the grace of God. The person I want to be is to have FREEDOM to live abundantly in Jesus Christ, without doubts or fears, but just fulling living in the vision and destiny He has for me.

I know a part of that is to have financial abundance and to do well in trading - not just in practice or intermittently in my real accounts, but consistently and then take that money to not only provide for my children & I, but really to do so much more to empower & help other people.

One of the big things I've done in the past 12-13 months is to really take responsibility for where I am. I am where I am because of the choices I've made. MY CHOICES. No blaming my ex-husband, rather they were MY CHOICES. Pretty tough thing to swallow, but I'm a big girl.

When you can confront the lies in your life with truth, God's Truth, then you can begin the healing and restoration process. I got rid of the tiny house. We are temporarily living with family as I get our finances stabilized. Taking a bit longer than I'd like, but it's happening.

Hopefully the last half of the book will bring more enlightment and help me implement things that I can actually do. God is good and reveals all sorts of things to me through all sorts of people. Thank you God!

There is one more day left of this month. Hopefully I can take a deep breath and at least make 1 trade according to my trading strategies with my real funds. TBD.

Next week starts a new month and we'll see.
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